You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
my poor anus
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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