so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
