i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize