i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
