WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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