I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
