and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
