I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
