you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
