just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
