i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
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I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
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They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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