I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
