mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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