Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I want to be your penis for a week.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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