you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
