did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
