im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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