The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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