I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
