He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
