There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
