i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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