as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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