Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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