im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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