She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
