he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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