Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Will exercising make me less horny?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize