Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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