you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
