does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
