Pants 0. Shit 1.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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