I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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