If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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