Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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