i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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