Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I need to align my fucking chakras
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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