The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
