it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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