Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
