He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
