I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have fence marks all over my body
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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