did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
