the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
