Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
