i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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