saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
