I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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