I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
