vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
