just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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