I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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