I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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