Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
