My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
