her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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