I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
