Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
