conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Pooping to opera.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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