That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
