well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
